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World War II G.I.’s and the children who loved them.

22 Tuesday Aug 2023

Posted by ag1970 in Uncategorized, World War II

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Some of my favorite World War II photos include children. The first is of a little Berlin girl, soon after the war’s end. She is meeting her first American, a G.I. in the 77th Infantry Division.

The second gets me misty. The little boy lost his immediate family in the horrific battle for Okinawa. The two young Marines cared for him until relatives were found.

A Nisei G.I. with the 442nd Regimental Combat Team teaches a rapt audience how to make a paper airplane. His arm’s around a little girl who’s nestled close to him. I suspect that in this moment she feels safe, probably for the first time in a long time.

In England, shortly before D-Day, a G.I. gives a British lady help with the jump rope.

Manuel Gularte of Arroyo Grande and his comrades entertain guests for lunch in Normandy. Manuel’s brother, Frank, was killed on the German border just five days before his son, Frank Jr., was born at the Mountain View Hospital in San Luis Obispo.

And in Luxembourg, Christmas 1944, while the Battle of the Bulge is raging nearby–there’s an amazing Battle of the Bulge museum in Diekirch, Luxembourg–a G.I. playing St. Nicholas, flanked by two angels, heads out to distribute gifts. Note the expression on the jeep driver’s face.

Finally, a soldier, I suspect a member of the famed Red Ball Express, makes friends with a little refugee while another little girl–her sister?–makes sure that she doesn’t leave her doll behind.

I am not naive enough to suggest that all Americans were angels. They weren’t. There were rapes, murders, thefts. Racism was a given and violence, especially attacks on Black G.I.’s, was commonplace, at its height in 1943. In New Zealand, American Marines attacked Maori soldiers for entering the bar where the Yanks were drinking beers.

Filipino-Americans were subject to some of the most virulent and racist invective–you can find examples in the old Arroyo Grande “Herald-Recorders”–and they responded by becoming some of the finest infantrymen of the war.

While their parents and grandparents were behind barbed wire, Japanese-American G.I.’s were marked by the frequency of their Purple Hearts, by Bronze Stars that should’ve been Silver Stars, by Silver Stars that should’ve been Medals of Honor. Nearly 1,000 of them were killed or wounded in October 1944 to break through and rescue a Texas National Guard Unit–240 justifiably terrified 19-year-olds- surrounded by the Germans in France’s Vosges Mountains.

These weren’t hyphenated Americans. They were Americans.

My parents’ generation was condemned before the war by sociologists who saw them as self-indulgent and frivolous. They proved the eggheads wrong. Spectacularly. That’s why I write about World War II so much.

In my book Central Coast Aviators in World War II, I wrote about a brilliant man named John Keegan:

If there was a military historian with a gift close to Shakespeare’s, it was another Englishman named John Keegan. Keegan was a little boy in the English countryside, in Somerset, when the Americans began to arrive in late 1943 and into the spring of 1944. Little English boys had lived for years with the deepest of privations—thanks, in large part, to the U-boat campaign that had nearly starved Shakespeare’s “sceptred isle” to death—and then the Americans came. They were, as Keegan later said—for once at a loss of words while narrating a documentary on the 1918 turning point of World War I—“Well, they were Americans!” By which he meant they were boisterous, cocky, well fed, well clothed and, thank God, friendly, with an innocence and immediacy that was distinctly American. Their World War II counterparts taught English boys baseball, and they flirted with their big sisters and married some of them—but most of them not—which meant that little boys Keegan’s age would inherit littler half-Yank nieces and nephews. Most of all, they were generous. There seemed to be no end to their Hershey bars (there wouldn’t be after the war, either, when, during the Berlin Airlift,one of Arroyo Grande bomber pilot Jess Milo McChesney’s comrades, Gail Halverson, air- dropped Hershey bars, floating on little parachutes, to the hungry children of blockaded Berlin) and no end to the rough affection for children that came with these big, loud men from across the sea.

And then they were gone. Keegan has vividly described the early morning dark when that happened, when the chinaware and modest family crystal on every shelf in the Keegan home began protesting, rattling an alarm soloud that it woke the family up, if the motion beneath their beds hadn’t already made them sit bolt upright. The anxiety of Keegan’s family, their neighbors and other families all across East Anglia was relieved only when they went outside. Then anxiety gave way to wonder. They could feel in their breastbones the vibrations—“the grinding forced you to the ground,” Keegan remembered—of the engines of thousands of airplanes, but they could see only dim red and amber lights in the sky, heading east, toward France. Some of the Americans Keegan had learned to love so quickly, his heroes, were on those airplanes, and tens of thousands of more, his heroes, were riding deathly pale on landing craft corkscrewing in foul Channel waters, and they were all headed for Normandy.

It was D-day.

B-17’s from the 398th Bomb Group assemble for takeoff. At most any American airfield, British children were there for moments like this. Pressed agains the airfield’s perimeter fence, they’d come to wave goodbye to “their” Yanks.



A (wonderful) AGHS German teacher, Mark Kamin, was leading a group of students on a tour of Bavaria. I think they were waiting for their bus when an older German woman approached them.

“You’re Americans, aren’t you?” she asked Mark.

Yes, we are, Mark replied

Her eyes began to fill with tears. “I just wanted to thank you,” she said, “for how kind your soldiers were to me when I was a little girl.”

Candy, Berlin, May 1 1945

We are so divided now, but these photos of men long dead fill me with hope. Their generation lit a path for us to follow. It’s up to us to find it.

St. Andrew’s Church, England. Two Arroyo Grande B-17 fliers served at the nearby 8th Air Force Base at Snetterton Heath. One of them, Clarence “Hank” Ballagh, the AGUHS 1937 Valedictorian, was killed eighty years ago next month. Here, an American airman looks up to the Risen Christ. The English have not forgotten Yanks like Hank Ballagh.

Five favorite submarine movies. As if there’s one I DON’T like.

20 Sunday Aug 2023

Posted by ag1970 in Film and Popular Culture, Uncategorized

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Jürgen Prochnow (the white cap) as the U-boat captain. It is Christmas and he and his crew are listening intently for the telltale sound of reindeer hooves on the deck above them.

Das Boot

Top of the line–the 1981 version, that is. You got your sturm. You got your drang. You got beards like the Hatfields and McCoys by the film’s end. The grief comes, alas, becaue of the Americans and their air atttacks on the sub pens. You get the thrill of a high-speed run in heavy seas through the Straits of Gibraltar and an impish junior officer with a red beard. AND you have the Nazi “political officer” everyone despises. He doesn’t care for the crew’s taste in music, either. Maybe the best sub film of all time.

20,000 Leagues Under the Sea

Yeah, it’s a Disney movie from 1954, but where ELSE are you going to get to see Kirk Douglas sing to a sea lion? And where else can you see James Mason, a vengeful 19th century version of Elon Musk or Richard Branson, bust up warships AND—the scene that initiated my fondness for calamari–you get Douglas in a fight to the death again a giant squid!

U-571

Any boarding party led by Pulp Fiction’s Harvey Keitel is the boarding party for me, yo-ho! Lots of good male grunting and bonding and killing and stuff, and Matthew McConaghey is the most clean-shaven sub sailor in history. Keitel’s knit cap with the little dingleball on top is a definitive fashion statement, and this depth-charge scene, from the 2000 film, nearly equals Das Boot’s. Nearly.

The Enemy Below (1957)

This is as much a psychological thriller as it is a war movie and, as many critics like to note on Mr. Google, the Germans, led by (too old) captain Kurt Jurgens, are NOT cartoonish. His counterpart is Robert Mitchum as the American destroyer captain and the two ships look for an opening—any opening—so that they can kill the other guy. It’s like a Frazier-Ali 15-rounder, but in the middle of the South Atlantic. And Mitchum? I could watch that man butter his toast and get a kick out of it. I can do without the trailer intro/narration by Dick Powell, he of 1935’s Lullaby of Broadway. Lullabye-bye, Powell.

K-19: The Widowmaker

In this 2002 thriller, Harrison Ford is the Russian commander whose accent periodically disappears; Liam Neeson’s is far more reliable. Since Vikings invaded both Russia and Ireland, good on Neeson, whose accent might come from some Viking who invaded both places, too. Maybe Ford can be forgiven, since he was born in Chicago and very few longships were seen on 9th-Century Lake Michigan. But, there you go. When a reactor begins to melt down, the last 2/3 of the film is tragic, of course . Doom doom doom. Collective society may suck, but the film at least shows Soviet sailors willing to give everything to save their crewmates and their submarine. No one can save Ford’s Russian accent; it evidently fell overboard.

Runners Up

The Hunt for Red October: While I am fond of Sean Connery’s spiky hairpiece, the movie goes downhill after he murders Red October‘s political officer, a moment of sudden violence that’s kind of fun. After that. It’s as if the defecting Soviet sub is plowing through maple syrup. And I detest Tom Clancy’s writing. I remain sad that Sean Connery is dead but content because Clancy is. He won’t inflict anymore of his technobabble on us. Red October has a magnetohydrodynamic “caterpillar drive” ANNNNND she’s

Just a little deuce coupe with a flathead mill
But she’ll walk a Thunderbird like she’s standing still
She’s ported and relieved, and she’s stroked and bored
She’ll do a hundred and forty with the top end floored

The only other compelling character is the American sub commander Scott Glenn, who has Balls the Size of Church Bells, a mystery after the tight Wranglers and mechanical bull rides he endured in Urban Cowboy.

Run Silent, Run Deep is based on a pretty good novel I read when I was about thirteen, but since it revolves around a personality clash between one of my favorite actors, Burt Lancaster, as the exec, and his captain, Clark Gable, I am unimpressed. If I want personality clashes, I’ll watch Matthau and Jack Lemmon in The Odd Couple.

Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea (1961). Just stay there. Cool sub, though, but the ones at Disneyland have windows too and you can see mermaids from them. Barbara Eden’s in this film, but she’s in the sub, alas, and not outside combing her mermaid hair with a golden brush while perched on rock, which I would pay good money to see.

Ice Station Zebra: Ice Station Zero.

Operation Petticoat. What a great idea! Let’s trivialize submariners!

BEST RUNNER-UP: Twilight Zone, “The Thirty-Fathom Grave.” Rod Serling was such a talented writer, but I much prefer his ghostie stuff to his Serious Social Stuff. He wrote the script for this episode. An American destroyer’s sonar, in our time (that would be about 1960 in TV time) picks up what sounds like a hammer pounding against metal beneath the surface. Alas, it’s a sunken submarine, and a destroyer sailor and World War II submarine vet, played by an excellent actor, Mike Kellin, suddenly realizes that that was his sub and the pounding comes from his lost crewmates, calling for him to come join them. The ship’s captain, played by Simon Oakland, is quite good, as is John Considine, who explores the wreck (for you Boomer types, Considine brother, Tim, was in My Three Sons. He left the show to college and never returned. I suspect he was crushed to death while telephone-booth* stuffing, popular among college students before they began occupying adminsitration buildings a few years later.

(*Younger people: Use Google Image Search for the term “telephone booth.”)

Mike Kellin
John Considine
Simon Oakland (center)










The World War I field gun at Camp San Luis

19 Saturday Aug 2023

Posted by ag1970 in American History, Uncategorized

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One of my favorite human beings is KCBX’s Tom Wilmer, the host of “Journeys of Discovery.” I did not know he belonged to the California National Guard like my friends Dan Sebby and Erik Brun. I knew Tom was working on restoring a World War I-era French 75mm cannon, but I did NOT know he’d finished it. It is amazing.

The 75 was also the field piece for the AEF, the American army fighting in France. We had no light artillery of our own. We also had no fighter planes, no tanks, no light machine gun, no heavy machine gun and, until we began mass-producing British knockoffs, no helmets.

We just had us, our Smokey Bear campaign hats and the Model 1903 Springfield. That was about it.

My friend Tom has always been an adventurer, an explorer. I am not. I prefer chairs and sofas and recliners. So that’s one reason he’s my hero. I hope it’s okay that I tell this story:

Tom was hiking along Highway 1 as a teen and became desperately sick with the flu. He trudged up a hill–a 1300-foot hill–to the Camaldolese Benedictine hermitage near Big Sur (great fruitcake, and I don’t even LIKE fruitcake) and they took him in, I think for a week, and took care of him until he was better. Good people taking care of a good person.

Those are French-manned 75’s, like the one Tom rebuilt, in action at the horrific 1916 Battle of Verdun, which claimed over 305,000 German and French lives (I despise jokes about French “cowardice.” Go to Verdun.) and wounded another 400,000.

“100,000 died” struggling for Fort Douaumont; those are our kids. When it was the Germans’ turn to occupy the fort, the Bavarians, because they are civilized, decided to brew coffee inside. There was no fuel to start a fire to brew the coffee. One of the Bavarians, suddenly inspired, emptied out a hand grenade’s charge and make a little mountain of the contents to start the fire.

When the explosion came, the Bavarians were blinded and burned black. Their comrades shot them down, thinking they were French colonials, Senegalese, who terrified the Germans.

There’s a French 75 just outside the main museum. The nearby ossuary contains the bones of thousands of soldiers from both sides who will never be known. You can see them in their stacks just beneath plexiglas panels in the floor.

All of them, of course, had been little boys once whose mothers applauded their first steps, whose fathers rousted them early for morning milking or who went to sleep at night with the dogs they loved tucked tight next to them.

The French cemetery, which of course is vast, features both Christian and Muslim gravestones, many for the Senegalese, the latter facing Mecca. All of them died for France.

I was touring the museum with my teaching partner Amber and our kids when a guide grabbed me gently by the elbow.

“Are these your students?”

My heart sank. We’d been yelled at in Paris by a policewoman who had a shot at becoming an NFL offensive guard.

I nodded.

“They are so RESPECTFUL!”

Might just be the greatest compliment of my life.

Those are some of our students atop Fort Douaumont at Verdun.

Thank you, Tom and Erik, my artillery guys.

Back to school…

17 Thursday Aug 2023

Posted by ag1970 in Arroyo Grande, Uncategorized

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My first day of school, Branch Elementary, 1958. First through fourth grades met in the right-hand classroom, fifth through eighth in the left.

The school was pink then, absent the bell tower, deemed a hazard by the state. Our schoolbus was a yellow pickup with a canvas top over two benches bolted to the floor, driven by Elsie Cecchetti, also deemed a hazard by the state.

I could read my classmates’ names as our teacher, Mrs. Edith Brown, wrote them on the board. Fifty years later, I realized that my Mom, a remarkable woman, had already taught me how to read.

Each teacher taught six subjects to four different grade levels simultaneously. First grade might be in a reading circle, second at penmanship (those big green pencils and the coarse paper with those big green lines), third reading “My Weekly Reader,” fourth doing a multiplication worksheet.

My teachers were remarkable, too. I got a superb education.

Mom, at twenty-two in 1943, with my big sister, Roberta. In the days when it wasn’t insulting, the first Lucia Mar superintendent, Earl Denton, said that she was the most brilliant woman he’d ever met. Denton’s wife, Nita, was no slouch in the brilliance department, and she was a sweet and lovely woman, too.

The Good Doctor

17 Thursday Aug 2023

Posted by ag1970 in Arroyo Grande, Uncategorized

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My life’s been punctuated by awards. Three of my books, on local history, have won national recognition. For thirty years, I taught literature and history at Mission Prep in San Luis Obispo and at my Alma Mater, Arroyo Grande High School. I was a Lucia Mar Teacher of the Year. I’ve had three babies named for me.  They are far more meaningful awards.

I have the devotion of thousands of students, some now in their fifties, who somehow still love me—I just don’t understand this— every bit as much as I have always loved them. At least nine of them teach history. Two of them are specialists, university professors, in areas dear to me, military history and the history of farm labor.

And I am an alcoholic. I am, as a writer, very open about that.

That’s why I’m devastated right now. My primary care doctor, Scott Davis, died unexpectedly yesterday. He was caring, funny, extremely bright and he actually listened to you.

He was also relentless in badgering me—somehow he did this gently—about my drinking. I mean no disrespect, and I have no proof, but I somehow had a hunch that he’d had demons, too—like all of us—at points in his life. That made him both my hero as well as my doctor. He was, to borrow the wonderful Yiddish word, a mensch.

I made two appointments with him earlier in the year and broke both of them because I hadn’t stopped drinking, was ashamed, and I didn’t want to disappoint him. That’s how much he meant to me.

I had an appointment with him in October, and I didn’t want to let him down again. That’s why I’m getting help now and that’s why I’ve been sober for ten days. This was for Scott.

I wanted so much to come into his office and hear him say, as he had a few years back when I managed a brief burst of sobriety, how healthy and alive I looked. I wanted to hear him say that in October.

I won’t get the chance to hear him again. I do have the chance to honor him by staying sober.

A doctor named Dykes Johnson delivered me. He was a private pilot at an air meet in Shafter and got the call, from Taft, that my Mom had gone into labor a month before I was due. Dykes had a hunch and flew back to Taft. I was both premature, at four pounds, and the umbilical cord was wrapped tightly around my deck. I was being strangled. Dykes arrived, intense and worried, burst through the delivery room doors, roughly shoving my Dad aside, and saved my life.

Dykes Johnson



How blessed I am, at seventy-one, to have known the best doctor of my adult life in Scott. He saved my life, too.

I will not let this good doctor down again. I will never forget him, either.






Leaflets

15 Tuesday Aug 2023

Posted by ag1970 in Uncategorized

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There was another outbreak of Neo-Nazi leaflets left on Grover Beach doorsteps last night. It’s not the first time, Grover’s not the first place. It is, of course, heart-breaking. The willful ignorance that is bigotry’s handmaiden is probably impossible to overcome. So I had to make a video, not expecting to convert a White Nationalist, but instead to honor my parents, whose generation dealt with people like these when they finally had no other choice.

For a “cow county” as recently as the 1940 Census, San Luis Obispo County suffered heartbreak infinitely more painful than mine. But that’s what it took to defeat industrialized hatred, whose pinnacle, of course, was in the gas chambers of places like Auschwitz-Birkenau.

It wasn’t that long at all–twenty years?–before Hitler’s boorish, comical NDSAP had graduated from silly pamphlets into a mass movement whose embrace included the finest gun of the terrible war, the 88mm flak gun and, even more sinister, endless canisters of Zyklon-B. God help us.

Or, barring Him, may young people save us. When they were young, my parents’ generation did exactly that.



Fernando

14 Monday Aug 2023

Posted by ag1970 in California history, Uncategorized

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With that win, [May 14, 1981] the left-hander improved to 8-0 with a minuscule 0.50 ERA, 68 strikeouts over 72 innings while holding opponents to a .172/.225/.212 batting line. Four days later, Valenzuela fell short of throwing a complete game for the first time and suffered a loss.

–Writer Matthew Moreno on Fernando Valenzuela’s first full season.

He started on opening day when Jerry Reuss had injured himself. Valenzuela had appeared in ten games in 1980 and he’d been sharp, but he was still an unknown quantity. So instead of the tall blonde German-American (“Reuss” is derived from the German “Russian.” That’s uncomfortable), Dodger Stadium got a starter who was not tall, not blonde, not German (or Russian). He was from Sonora. the same state as Mexican President (1920-24) Alvaro Obregón, the “Happy Man with One Arm,” his right, lost in battle in 1915.

Obregón at his Presidential desk, 1920, when Mexico was emerging from the ten-year revolution that had claimed one million lives.


Luckily, Valenzuela was a lefty.

I could not watch him by myself. I needed to share him. I began to watch his games over at Ricky and Jane Monroe’s house, both because they were such good company and because Ricky, a born color man, has a knack for wit, sometimes caustic, at the exact moment it’s needed—not before, not after.

Valenzuela’s specialty was a screwball, a pitch that will eventually make some pitchers’ elbows explode spontaneously while they’re reaching across the dinner table for some mashed potatoes.

We soon learned, too, that another Valenzuela specialty was hitting. He won a Silver Slugger award in 1981 to put over his fireplace, probably resting on brackets just above his 1981 Cy Young and 1981 Rookie of the Year awards. Oh. And his Major League Player of the Year Award.

In 1981, after we’d seen a Fernando screwball strike out an Astro or a Giant or a Cub swinging, as if his bat was a feather boa, Ricky and I might look at each other without saying a word. And sometimes, once the Miller Beer commercial had begun, Ricky would shake his head in disbelief.

It was euphoric, watching that twenty-year-old pitch.

When Fernando Valenzuela came to the big leagues, Bob Lemon, then a Yankee scout, stared in disbelief. He leaned over and asked a Dodger scout, “How old is he?”

“Twenty,” was the reply.

Lemon thought about it a moment. “Twenty what?” he wanted to know.

–Los Angeles Times sports columnist Jim Murray

This is what is important, I think: Valenzuela may have been from Sonora, but Chavez Ravine was home.

This was the barrio, demolished to make way for Dodger Stadium, where the Zoot Suit riots began in 1943. My kids and I learned about them, every year, when I taught U.S. History. It was important to me to teach them the dark side of the war even as we learned about its heroes, from Torpedo Squadron 8 at Midway to the 442nd Regimental Combat Team in Italy to the third of the wartime industrial force that was made up of women.

The Zoot Suit riots, along with the others that broke out across America and overseas that summer of 1943, represented a moment when we’d forgotten who we were and what we were fighting against. Racism was the sickness that typified the Imperial Japanese Army’s officer corps and Hitler’s SS.



For several nights, then, in June 1943 gangs of roving sailors and soldiers beat the living hell out of East L.A. kids, pachucos, whose sole offense seemed to be the elegance of their clothes—the fashion, Zoot Suits, was popular with Black kids, too. The suits must’ve offended some servicemen in a time of wartime austerity, when suits, for civilians, lost their cuffs and wide lapels. Double-breasted suits were as rare as 1943 Ford coupes. and there was no such car. Ford was making B-24 bombers.

It’s possible, too, that the servicemen were a little envious of the Zoots’ mastery of the jitterbug, honed in hot L.A. jazz clubs. And they were, after all, brown people, those kids in those suits.

Cab Calloway (center) was perhaps the epitome of Zoot Suit style.


“Those” kids danced with lovely girls who rode the streetcars out of the oppressiveness of the Ravine, and of their rigidly traditional Mexican parents, to meet their dates downtown. They were Jitterbug Divines, those young couples on the dance floors inside noisy, smoky clubs.



The dancing was interrupted in June 1943 because of a U.S. Navy auxiliary post on the fringes of the Ravine. That’s where the fighting began. Sailors wolf-whistling at chicanas and shoving teen boys off the sidewalk were among the foreshocks.

The riots soon took fire, spreading from Chavez Ravine to Boyle Heights and ending at what is today the 405. The LAPD watched passively as the G.I. gangs, sailors and soldiers from San Pedro and scatterings of Marines up from Pendleton, went after the Mexican-American kids with axe-handles.

The LAPD arrested the Mexican kids, but only after they’d had been bloodied and stripped naked by swarms of malevolent Nebraskans who were defending their country.



This is the history that colored the background of Opening Day 1981, when Valenzuela pitched a five-hit shutout over the Houston Astros, then in the National League.

Fernando humbled the Astros that day.

That year, what Fernando did was to restore Chavez Ravine to its people. Dodger Stadium, as trivial as it may sound, began to serve churros. Now you can get carne asada nachos in a Dodger helmet bowl. Tuesday night will be Mexican Heritage Night.


This is what I began to think about after his number was retired this week.

Fernando didn’t really “arrive” on that Opening Day 1981. Again, I think that he came home. So did all of those who shared his ancestry. They reclaimed the town once called El Pueblo de Nuestra Señora la Reina de los Ángeles de Porciúncula.

Perhaps that fall, on the Day of the Dead–el dia de los muertos–families spread blankets on the grass and unpacked hibachis and began to make carne asada or carnitas tacos. While the meat was grilling, they decorated the graves of the people they loved, whom they always will love, with white glass prayer candles that illuminate the image of Our Lady, and with flowers—a lot of flowers—with helium-filled balloons, with saints’ medals and with ofrendas, little clay pots filled with corn or chiles or sweets, and maybe a bottle of Mexican Coca-Cola—the real deal, like World War II Coca-Cola.

Then they sat down, those young people and their even younger children, and began to talk, across generations, to the tombstones, They told the jitterbuggers stories about Fernando Valenzuela.

After, it got graveyard quiet, but only because it was time to eat.

Los Lobos, Good Morning Aztlán.




Eight Days Sober

13 Sunday Aug 2023

Posted by ag1970 in Uncategorized

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… I thought that love was in the drugs
But the more I took, the more it took away
And I could never get enough
I thought that love was on the stage
You give yourself to strangers
You don’t have to be afraid
Then it tries to find a home with people, or when I’m alone
Picking it apart and staring at your phone
… We all have a hunger

We all have a hunger
We all have a hunger
We all have a hunger

Alcoholism runs deep in my family and I own it, too. Genetics, though, are too convenient— and bringing out ancestral ghosts is too glib— to excuse me. Drinking was my choice, and I was smitten with it from the beginning. Once, I chose to be sober for six years. My relapse has lasted five. I have now been sober, as of Friday, for one week, and it is hard work, folks.

I have always been a hard worker and my life’s been punctuated by awards for writing and for teaching, ego boosts. I’ve had three babies named for me. Those are far more meaningful awards. And I have the devotion of thousands of students, some now in their fifties, who somehow still love me—I just don’t understand this— every bit as much as I have always loved them.

But my reality is that I’m an alcoholic, not a hero.

What I drank for was that fifteen minutes of bliss that hit somewhere between the third and fourth beers, now gone. So are the hangovers that always follow. Here is what’s different: today, for the first time, I am feeling electric sparks, fireflies, that last no longer than an eyelid’s blink. They tell me I am getting better.

Getting just to his very early and dangerous place has meant trembling hands; hypersensitivity, as if you can hear houseflies’ footsteps on the outside glass of the kitchen window; sudden unexpected bursts of anger; waking up at 2 a.m. fighting off the covers that are strangling you; aching lungs when you breathe and flushes of adrenaline that flood your chest because that’s what the cravings do. (There is, of course, a drug for that. It’s a trade-off: moderated cravings for constant low-grade nausea.)

And it’s still hard to look in the mirror when your face is bloated and your eyes, bleak, have big dark circles beneath them.

When I used the words “dangerous place,” I was reminded of the incredible opening scene to Kubrick’s The Shining, when the director’s camera leaves the mountain road, a recurring dream of mine. You are this close to the edge at this point in sobriety:

https://videopress.com/v/WqzthGmn?resizeToParent=true&cover=true&preloadContent=metadata&useAverageColor=true


There are other symptoms. It’s hard to do anything sequentially, even something you love, like preparing a meal, because you suddenly find yourself standing in the kitchen with a spatula in your hand, staring vacantly because you’ve forgotten what comes next.

That’s what recovery’s like.

My other addiction is to hard work. Every day in thirty-plus years of teaching I made massive “to-do” lists. Curiously, the accomplishment that was supposed to come when the list was finished never really happened. It still doesn’t happen, not even when you use a big broad-point black pen to cross off each item on the list.

With retirement and without the structure of high school teaching, of five or six classes a day, I still try to make lists, because being organized is far more difficult now. The lists are hopelessly long. It is so terribly hard for me to accept the fact that I cannot possibly do all of those things. In not doing them, I am terrified that I’m going to upset people, hurt their feelings, let them down.

I am going to have to say no, something that is unbearable to me.

I have other work to do now. That means two, three or five hours of group and individual therapy five days a week in what they call a “partial hospitalization.” At least I don’t have to wear one of those stupid tie-in-the-back hospital gowns, the kind where you can feel your bare rear end hanging out in the cold.

But there are, sigh, the AA meetings I’ll need to take up again. They’ve worked for millions of good people and so have been a blessing to all people. They did not work for me. The AA I’ve experienced is based on a cultish jargon that’s in turn based on an eighty-five-year-old book that is dreadfully written. I need to find a cult-free meeting that doesn’t make me feel like it’s going to end with a round of Jonestown Kool-Aid. Or cyanide-laced black coffee, coffee being the AA beverage of choice.

I guess that there are groups that are out there for me—or programs like Dharma, whose Buddhist underpinnings appeal to me instinctively. I need to find a group that fits.

This business of recovery also means, for the first time, confronting and treating a lifetime of profound ADHD. It means learning to talk back to the murmuring voices in the tape that runs in my mind. The insistent voices tell me I am a terrible human being, a fuckup. They’re murmuring liars, these voices. They are also as powerful as the flying monkeys that sweep Dorothy and Toto up. They are clinical depression’s harbingers and handmaidens.

The voices lied to this beautiful woman, my mother, who taught me how to read when I was four. She remains the most influential person in my life. She tolerated me—an ADHD child can be a monstrous pain in the ass— and, beyond that, she loved me. The voices finally killed her. She was forty-eight. I was seventeen.

Now that I am seventy-one, I still miss her.

Patricia Margaret Keefe Gregory at twenty-two, with my big sister Roberta


Am I oversharing?

Good.

I do love Florence Welch, and I just found this song among some others that are recommended for recovering addicts like me. Knowing that she knows what I know is a blessing.

And one reason I love her is her beautiful red hair—Mom’s was auburn and the dearest friend of my life, Joe Loomis, one of my heroes, flawed like me, was a red redhead. Florence, in appearance only, is also a living embodiment of the ethereal Elizabeth Siddall. Siddall was the muse, an artist in her own right, of the Victorian painters who called themselves the Pre-Raphaelite Brotherhood. Here she is, sketched by Dante Gabriel Rossetti.

I taught the Pre-Raphaelites to my AP European History students (I loved teaching art) and I fell in love with her, too.

And that’s Siddall as Ophelia, drowned, thanks to Hamlet, that cold-hearted bastard, in this painting. She posed in a bathtub, and lying for hours in cold water brought on the pneumonia that nearly killed her. It didn’t. Her addiction to laudanum did.

Sir John Everett Millais, Ophelia, 1851-2

So Siddall’s like the rest of us. We all have a hunger. The hard part, I guess, is accepting it, naming it. Then, when you see it in the other people sitting a circle with you, it means embracing their humanity. That’s me. She’s me. That kid’s me.

Most of all, that guy who can’t take his eyes off the floor in front of him because he’s in so much pain is just like me. When he finally begins to talk, you listen and you feel your shoulders sag–that’s where you store the tension that’s now leaving your body–or you feel your eyes well with tears. Sometimes, when he opens up, that guy makes you laugh. His humanity begins to heal you.

We all have a hunger. I am learning that we are miraculous, too.

That’s Entertainment…

09 Wednesday Aug 2023

Posted by ag1970 in Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Okay, we watch America’s Got Talent so you don’t HAVE to. It can be one of the most painful television shows to watch, but three acts from last night’s auditions amazed us. And it was more like The World’s Got Talent, which is perfectly okay with Elizabeth and me.

Amazing act #1: Eduardo, the eleven-year-old Mariachi singer from Houston. Adorable, si, but the boy’s got some PIPES. Look at Simon’s face.

https://videopress.com/v/O1vd89mJ?resizeToParent=true&cover=true&preloadContent=metadata&useAverageColor=true

Amazing act #2: Titos Tsai, a Taiwanese “contact juggler.” This was elegant and beautiful and touching. So was Tsai’s obvious love for his fiancé, watching just offstage with Terry Crews.

https://videopress.com/v/njhnO3OE?resizeToParent=true&cover=true&preloadContent=metadata&useAverageColor=true

Finally, after a slightly painful introduction—an engaging young man, but communications, including body language, between Japanese and English are sometimes awkward—his dance troupe, Chibi United, took the stage. They were simply unbelievable. Golden Buzzer from the judges, endorsed by the long-married couple watching the television from their bed with their doggies.

https://videopress.com/v/Dtzf2PBH?resizeToParent=true&cover=true&preloadContent=metadata&useAverageColor=true

And, of course, there’s a greater meaning to a television show so seemingly lowbrow. We are living in dark and ugly times—make no mistake about that—and sometimes, they seem hopeless, as well, because human beings can be so brutal and so obtuse. But we can be beautiful and graceful and we can, across language barriers and from vast distances, reach far enough to touch each others’ hearts. There’s hope in moments like these three.

Two Christopher Nolan films

08 Tuesday Aug 2023

Posted by ag1970 in Film and Popular Culture, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

I borrowed four spectacular scenes from two earlier films—the fantasy Inception remains one of the most amazing films I’ve ever seen, and the two air-attack scenes from Dunkirk are terrifying— but the ending of the war film is moving, too. The soldier, evacuated from the beach, is headed home on a train. Grateful Brits have reached through the train window to gift him and his mate with newspapers and then with beers ( Bass ales) and the soldiers read Churchill’s speech aloud from the papers. Here, Nolan is both spectacular and intimate.

He intercuts the train scene with the counterattack from Tom Hardy’s Spitfire. His character, Farrier, has stayed too long over the beach. His job is to protect the soldiers below him, and in doing his duty, he runs out of fuel. Farrier sets his Spit afire and awaits the Germans who will make him a prisoner of war, if he survives, for the next five years. Again, both spectacular and intimate.

David Lean, one of my favorite directors, could do that, could get you close to his characters. The developing relationship between Peter O’Toole and Omar Sharif in Lawrence of Arabia and is one example; William Holden’s coward who becomes a tragic hero in Bridge on the River Kwai is another. It’s one of Holden’s finest performances, and he’s one of my favorite actors.

But Nolan’s characters seem even more real to me than Lean’s.

Now, with Oppenheimer, we have two master history teachers in David Lean and Christopher Nolan.

I wish that Nolan somehow could’ve had a chance at directing Gettysburg, a dreadful film based on a marvelous Michael Shaara novel. But we have, thank the Lord, Glory.

And, thanks to Nolan, we can enjoy once again big movies with heart.

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