I have pretty much decided that I have ADHD—my psychology doctorate is speeding its way here from Trump University– so I offer this as a public service for other folks who might be, too. It’s a condition that can get you into all sorts of trouble. It’s sometimes great fun.

Here are some of my symptoms.

Telephone phobia:  An incoming telephone call makes me panic. I’m sure that when I pick it up, the voice on the other line will say something like: “I’m so sorry. Everyone you love has died.” And calling someone on the phone is extremely difficult. It can take me several hours to work up the courage to use the telephone, and my hands are shaking when I hit the buttons on the phone’s keyboard. This was not a helpful trait when I was a newspaper reporter. I have mentally consigned Alexander Graham Bell to the Nether Regions.

Hyperfocus:  Working on a task—like writing a book—means that I can stay in the same position for hours, oblivious to everything around me. I think I’m in trouble with Elizabeth because I was working on History Society stuff this morning when I realized I hadn’t heard her for awhile. I looked out the window and her car was gone. Without me saying goodbye. Uh-oh. It’s also extremely difficult to switch from one task—working on something for the Historical Society—to another, like making the bed.

Time Blindness: Due to problems with “executive function,” ADHD individuals sometimes forget anniversaries and birthdays, have trouble placing events in their past on a rough timeline, are habitually late and have trouble with placing upcoming dates or days of the week correctly.

Organizational chaos:  Oddly, I could plan a classroom unit easily, almost down to the minute of a daily lesson plan, because it’s creative and oddly fun. But my teacher desk was a disaster except when Matt Stamey was my TA. I actually needed Matt to follow me around the rest of my life. The photo shows my filing system today. And I lose things. A lot. Once I get started, I’m easily distracted, so instead of getting two jobs done efficiently, I o for twelve done half-assedly. Mornings are agony, because I look around and there’s so much to do that I don’t know where to start. So I just go back to bed.

Lateral thinking:  I have never gone from “A” to “B.” If you’ve ever read anything on my blog, you can see that. I recently wrote about two friends on a road trip. It started with the two friends, went to my first cigarette, moseyed on over to Kerouac and “On the Road,” made a beeline for my friend Erin who works at the City Lights Bookshop in San Francisco, then flew across the Atlantic to Les Deux Magots café, opposite Notre Dame, and finally wound up with a delicacy of hamburger stands in rural Missouri, French-fried mushrooms.

Elvis has left the building: Sometimes when people are speaking to me, it seems to them as if I’m not listening. That’s because I’m not. I am more or less a thousand miles away. Maybe at Les Deux Magots, and that’s five thousand miles away. A related problem, seemingly one of inattention, is that I can’t remember names. Our neighbors across the street are the nicest people. Her name is Mary. I can’t remember his name, even though I’ve been reminded a hundred times. I do know that it’s a latino name, so I just call him “Fidel.”

Talkative or Interrupts Frequently: Got me in trouble from first through twelfth grades. “Jimmy talks excessively in class” was a constant on my report cards. And when someone else is the important announcer, doing the play-by-play of a baseball game, I’m the color guy who interrupts with pithy remarks about Yogi Berra’s socks. If you’re old enough to remember the Smothers Brothers, I’m Tommy.

Creativity. “Many people with ADHD tend to be enthusiastic, inquisitive, witty, lively and spontaneous – and each of these characteristics can contribute to being more creative than others who don’t deal with ADHD.

“Generally speaking, creativity is the ability to create something that is both unprecedented and original. Creative ideas must be relevant, new, useful and surprising. Creativity often comes through intense knowledge and significant motivation for innovation in a certain field. These fields can vary, ranging from mathematics to painting, science, or music.” (https://neurogrow.com/creativity-as-a-positive-feature-of-adhd/)

It’s pretty obvious that I love writing. I have this blog. I’m a Facebook addict. I’ve written five books and I write for small magazines, the occasional newspaper and the local historical society.. I even loved writing lesson plans. How do I get their attention? What steps do I need to take to lead them to what they need to learn? How do I make transitions so that it’s not me going blah blah blah for 52 minutes? How do I engage them emotionally? I’d spend hours at it but find it oddly enjoyable.

But if I’d been teaching me, I would’ve been the kid surreptitiously reading Cannery Row hidden just under my student desk.

So, at least in some ways, I’m Calvin.

Time, boredom on your part and self-absorption on my part means I need to finish this. So we’ll just go with a laundry list of symptoms–some of them discussed in more detail above. (Deep breath) Here we go: