OUR NATION IS NOW THIRD WORLD & DYING. THE AMERICAN DREAM IS DEAD! THE RADICAL LEFT ANARCHISTS HAVE STOLLEN OUR PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION, AND WITH IT, THE HEART OF OUR OUR COUNTRY. AMERICAN PATRIOTS ARE BEING ARRESTED & HELD IN CAPTIVITY LIKE ANIMALS, WHILE CRIMINALS & LEFTIST THUGS ARE ALLOWED TO ROAM THE STREETS, KILLING & BURNING WITH NO RETRIBUTION. MILLIONS ARE FLOODING THROUGH OUR OPEN BOARDERS, MANY FROM PRISONS & MENTAL INSTITUTIONS. CRIME & INFLATION ARE DESTROYING OUR VERY WAY OF LIFE. NOW ILLEGAL LEAKS FROM A CORRUPT & HIGHLY POLITICAL MANHATTAN DISTRICT ATTORNEYS OFFICE, WHICH HAS ALLOWED NEW RECORDS TO BE SET IN VIOLENT CRIME & WHOSE LEADER IS FUNDED BY GEORGE SOROS, INDICATE THAT, WITH NO CRIME BEING ABLE TO BE PROVEN, & BASED ON AN OLD & FULLY DEBUNKED (BY NUMEROUS OTHER PROSECUTORS!) FAIRYTALE, THE FAR & AWAY LEADING REPUBLICAN CANDIDATE & FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, WILL BE ARRESTED ON TUESDAY OF NEXT WEEK. PROTEST, TAKE OUR NATION BACK!

Hey, that’s why they call it “Truth Social!”

* * *

The only place that’s worse off than us is Scotland. Those haggis snorters—it’s been documented that haggis is ten times stronger than Fentanyl—have referred to Mr. Trump as a “Cheeto-faced ferret-wearing s___gibbon,” an “idiot cockwomble,” (alternatively, a “polyester cockwomble”), a “hamster heedit bampot,” an “incompressible j__ztrumpet,” and a “leather-faced s___ tobbagonist.”

Shame on them.

* * *

In the States, since My President is due to be indicted Tuesday, here are all the False Allegations I am going to protest tomorrow:

1. He paid a Playmate of the Year—Hef is dead. Get over it, people!–and a horse-faced porn star (the man has a way with words, doesn’t he?) so they wouldn’t reveal that he had sex with them, those lucky girls, and that he wears Tidy Whitey briefs.

The women in question and the President on Air Force One, One shudders to think how Gov. DeSantis would eat a fine meal like that being consumed by the Greatest President Since Lincoln And Probably Greater. There would be grease everywhere, gravy on his tie and a couple of chicken bones might foul the jet engine’s intake. He must not be president. VOTE TRUMP!

2. The bogus claim, brought in a civil suit for defamation, based on the contention that The Greatest Lover Since Rudolph Valentino raped E. Jean Carroll in a department store. “She’s not my type!” he has said clearly about the woman he’s twice confused in depositions with his former wife. The same goes for the other 26 women who’ve claimed everything from rape to job-place sexual harassment. They’re all dogs, anyway.

3. The audio tapes made by Georgia Republicans that have him trying to change the 2020 vote count in his favor. It’s patently obvious that the voice on the telephone is Alec Baldwin’s, who imitated Mr. Trump on the lowly-rated Saturday Night Live—Sad!— and who shoots people in the face pretty much every day.

4. The New York Attorney General’s civil suit that alleges he inflated his properties while applying for bank loans and deflated their value for the IRS. So what’s wrong with THAT? That’s what made America great! Also, those offshore banks in The Bahamas are a splendid example of the most important foreign aid since the Marshall Plan.

5. The documents, allegedly classified, that were carefully stored at Mar a Lago, not too far from where they put together the shrimp cocktails for dinner, and in the White House toilet bowl. The National Archives asked for those documents twice, and politely, before the subpoena. Hey! He’s a busy guy! Anyway, My President has amply demonstrated that he can declassify those documents, as he himself said, just by thinking about them.

6. The lawsuit brought by those snowflake cops who got their feelings hurt on January 6. Waaaah!

7. The giant fibberooni that The Greatest President Since Jesus encouraged violence January 6. “Be there. Will be wild.” was an obvious reference to the Super Bowl that year–the Chiefs beat the Niners–which was (Oh, my! What a coincidence!) played in FLORIDA. It’s obvious, too, that the Justice Department investigating January 6 is riddled with Commie Pinko Preeverts (scratch an FBI agent, find a Maoist pedophile), Liberal Bleeding Heart Quiche-Eating All Creatures Great and Small viewers and Drag Queens who Frug at middle school assemblies while singing Donna Summer’s “Hot Stuff.”

8. “I HATE HIM PASSIONATELY!”

–Tucker Carlson.

That’s a classic Lamestream Media Lie, posing as an actual text Tucker sent to a Fox News colleague. It’s “posing” as a real text because, technically and legally, Fox’s lawyers had to surrender it during Discovery in the pending Dominion Voting Machines lawsuit. That’s a mere trifle.

You can’t fault a guy, in my opinion, who still wears bow ties and whose voice gets so high and whiny that you’re afraid he’s going to burst into tears any second. That’s passion, my friends.

(Just in case this isn’t a lie, I’m willing to throw a frozen Chicken Pot Pie through Tucker’s windshield—he’s the heir to the Swanson TV Dinner fortune—if I ever get the chance.)

9. Another snowflake: United States Marine Corps General and former Chief of Staff John Kelly, who, among other White House staffers, heard Trump call the Marines who died at Belleau Wood in 1918 “losers” and “suckers.” Semper Fickle” to you, Kelly. (But many thanks to the staffers who informed the president which side had won the First World War.) The Germans said the Marines approached their machine guns almost casually, smoking cigarettes and firing from the hip. The Germans were terrified; they called the Americans “Devil Dogs.”

Have you ever seen the Greatest President Since Darryl F. Zanuck with a dog?

I rest my case.

Anyway, it was raining that day and, staffers said, rain plays hell with the presidential hairs, all gossamer and wispy in their origins from the other tectonic plates that shift so frequently on the skull of the Greatest President Since Grover Cleveland Alexander. That ‘do was representing the United States of America to the world that day in 2018, my friends, on the hundredth anniversary of the Battle of Belleau Wood

I rest my case some more.


10. An exploding golf ball or seven needs to go into the bag of Sports Illustrated writer Rick Reilly, whose book “Commander in Cheat” alleges that The Greatest Presidential Golfer Since Trump Voter Jack Nicklaus is also the biggest cheat since Auric Goldfinger. And two snowflake awards for pro golfer Rory McIlroy, who has said he will never play with Our President again. McIlroy has won the British Open, the U.S. Open and the PGA Championship. Yawn.

McIlroy has NEVER fired Khloe Kardashian, that Fat Piglet, as The Greatest President Since Zsa Zsa Gabor so accurately described her, from Celebrity Apprentice because she was getting a little chubby. That takes Golf Balls, people.



I’m sure there are other things I must protest strongly and bigly, but I think those ten are enough for Monday.

In the meantime, I leave you with the most eloquent presidential words since Lincoln’s Second Inaugural:

“Person. Man. Woman. Camera. TV.”