It was like watching two superheavyweight Sumo wrestlers who’d been living on a diet of Kentucky Fried Chicken and could only vaguely paw at each other. It was like watching mold grow on bread. It was like watching the raptors chase the little kids in Jurassic Park (Missouri Quarterback Brady Cook was sacked six times) It was like watching the road gang clear weeds in Cool Hand Luke (thirteen penalties). It was the Futility Bowl, the Dreadful Bowl, the Boring Bowl, the Trench Warfare Bowl.

At the end of the third quarter, it was 3-0, Ohio State.

I had by then deserted the game. I missed the fourth quarter because I was watching our favorite ghost show, The Dead Files. And then I fell asleep. Luckily, Elizabeth woke me for the last three minutes of the game—Mizzou had done its damage by then, two touchdowns, but at least I got to see the game’s celebratory end. I slept the sleep of the Well-Satisfied If Slightly Guilty.

Here are the highlights, again, from the fourth quarter. Quarterback Brady Cook (#12) and the phenomenal but not-very-big running back Cody Schrader (*7) were the heroes, but it was the defense, which bent and bent and bent but did not break, who were probably just even more heroic.

Go, Tigers!

“Tipperary” makes up part of the Mizzou fight song.