Sometimes when I, being ancient, wake up at 3 a.m., I watch Westerns from my childhood. What follows are purely personal opinions:
1. “Gunsmoke:” A-. Because of James Arness, a genuine war hero; and Ken Curtis (Festus), a staple in John Ford Westerns; Milburn Stone (Doc), reincarnated as the prickly Bones in “Star Trek, played by DeForest Kelley, once a guest on “Gunsmoke”: and Miss Kitty (Amanda Blake) as the hostess at the Long Branch Saloon. Just what the heck were all those girls who drifted seductively about the Long Branch cowboys DOING, in their ostrich feathers and bosoms? Was it Biblical instruction?
Far more important, the series set aside whole episodes in which the stars took back seats to actors like Harrison Ford, Bruce Dern and Cloris Leachman. This generosity launched the careers of many gifted actors.
2. “Cheyenne:” C-. Not because of its star, Clint Walker, who was hunky (He appeared also in “The Dirty Dozen”) but because of the episode that feature Michael Landon as a young Comanche warrior. Cheyenne was honorable, decent and courageous but, by far the most important, he way- cool buckskin shirts with fringes, which became enormously popular in late 1960s Laurel Canyon in just before the Manson Family paid its visit to Cielo Drive.
David Croby’s buckskin—Elizabeth and I met him once at the San Lorenzo Capuchin Franciscan Friary, above Santa Ines, where oiur sons were baptized—added waycool little beady things to the buckskin fringes. Before he got dead, Crosby (SEE: Joni Mitchell and David Crosby) was almost as gorgeous as Clint Walker,
Good Lord.
3. “Have Gun, Will Travel.” A+. Richard Boone as the knight-errant, given to spectacular monologues—think “Now is the winter of our discontent,“ feom Richard III—before he did away with the dirty guy that was oppressing poor folks, My only qualm, and it’s a big one, is that his San Francisco Chinese immigrant friend was named “Hey Boy.” To set that right, Paladin’s face lit up like the Fourth of July in one episode as he regarded an impossibly beautiful Chinese woman as she descended the staircase, in her whalebone corset, hoop-supported silk skirts and pearl-buttoned bodice and the obligatory ostrich feather in her hair—the late 19th century was a bad time to be an ostrich– as she descended the staircase.
That might seem prurient and sexist, but the fact is, in a time when Rawhide’s cowboy, Jesus, had his name spelled “Hey-Soos” in the closing credits, Richard Boones long, langurous and delighted look at a beautfiul Chinese immgrant was, in fact, revelatory and even inspirational. That character had the sheer audacity to be not white and spectacular in the same moment. I love Boone’s character, Paladin from that moment on.
And then I discovered, years later, that my mother and big sister loved this show because they thought that Richard Boone had a cute butt.
Here is Richard Boone’s character, Paladin. I have omitted his hind end in the name of more or less Common Deccency.
4. ‘High Chapparal:” B+. Set in the Arizona desert, about as barren as the far side of the Moon, a family (elderly rancher, young and beautiful Mexican wife, played by Linda Cristal). My Mom loved Manolito, played by Mexica-American Henry Darrow. Agree 100% with Mom on this one. Manolito was a charmboat.
5. “Wanted! Dead or Alive!” C+. This series began my lifelong enchantment with Steve McQueen, which reached its apotheosis with the “Bullitt” car chase. Okay, and “The Thomas Crown Affair.” I do not include “The Great Escape,” because I know how that actually turned out in history, despite the motorcycle scene. McQueen had already been splendid as a 28-year-old teenager in “The Blob,” co-starring Miss Crump from “The Andy Griffith Show.” However, the sawed-off rifle he carried in “Wanted! Dead or Alive!” in its Penis Envy leather holster would have, on firing, thrown McQueen’s arm 300 feet behind him and wouild’ve slain four or five innocent bystanders.
6. “Bonanza!” B-. The first American TV program to appear in color, on NBC. Virtually every female guest star who ever appeared on this show died, including all three of Ben Cartwright’s wives. The Cartwrights were hell on women. Hoss, the middle son, was our favorite, although Little Joe (Michael Landon again) was brilliantly satirized in MAD magazine as “Short Mort:’ MAD also maintained that the Cartwright ranch, the Ponderosa, was so immense that it was a three-day ride from the living room to the kitchen. Two more Chinese immigrant slanders: Hop Sing, the Ponderosa cook and, for God’s sake, Marlo Thomas, whom I later loved in the comedy That Girl, as a Chinese mail-order bride. Thomas is Lebanese-American. I met her father, Danny Thomas, at the Madonna Inn in 1969, and he didn’t look Chinese to me, either.
(Above): The original cast of Bonanza: Pernell Roberts (Adam), Michael Landon (Little Joe); Dan Blocker (Hoss), Lorne Green (Ben). At right: Marlo Thomas in her 1959 guest turn as a Chinese immigrant, Dan Blocker.
A Work in Progress 